You’ve just found out someone has cancer, or you have just found out they have been told to call in hospice. You know the person and you can’t just ignore them and their circumstances but you don’t know exactly to say either. What do I do? Do I act as if my life is so busy I haven’t had time to respond? Frankly, anyone of us could use that excuse on any given week. Your feeling really sad and worse you are feeling so bad for the spouse.
You feel so inadequate because your heart is telling you to reach out to the patient/and or family but you feel totally inadequate. Our heart wants to help but the vocabulary isn’t there.
Very few people are good at expressing themselves at a time like this. It’s not your fault. You cannot practice the feelings of loss ahead of time. Experience with a previous death doesn’t count as each death affects us in a unique way. I hope these recommendations will help you to express your feelings.
Be a grown up, even if you don’t feel like one, and as soon as you hear about the death, call, write a note or visit the survivors. Forget about being eloquent. Simply say what is in your heart. Your feelings will be written on your face and heard in your voice.
Before you express anything, put yourself in the survivor’s shoes. While the patient’s pain is gone, their family may not think they are better off” dead. “Time heals all wounds.” “You’ll have other children.” “He’s in a better place.” Likewise, the parents of a child, even an unborn one who has passed on, may react negatively if it’s inferred that a precious little life doesn’t matter. The comment of “he’s in a better place” can wound survivors. The only “better” place might be close by the survivor’s side.
A simple, “I’m so sorry for your loss” “Please accept my sympathy” is always appropriate. Do not say, “I know just how you feel.” You cannot know how others feel when they grieve, even if you’ve been through a significant loss.
Make the most of a hug or a handshake. Sometimes words fail. Sometimes at a death, words are unnecessary but a touch or a good hug can communicate deep feelings. It’s ok to cry, too, because you’re grieving. Of course, you were not as close to the loved one as a family member, but this death may bring wonderful memories of someone with whom you had a close relationship.
If it is comfortable don’t be afraid to call them by name. That only reflects how special that person was and still is to you. Family members appreciate hearing how important their loved one was to different people.
Don’t avoid talking about the person even if it is comical, laughing is not disrespectful, many times it side tracks their grief and is exactly what is needed but be sensitive of course. Be ready to sit and listen even if the surviving family wants to talk about the death, including shocking details. “Why wasn’t she healed?” “Why didn’t he stop smoking?” “Why didn’t she get help for her drinking?” “Why didn’t she call if she was that depressed?” Unless you truly are able to, don’t provide answers. There are some things that only God himself will be able to answer.
Don’t offer comments or observations on death and dying, unless you know for certain that the survivor will appreciate your thoughts. Rather, if appropriate, ask questions in a gentle, quiet voice. If you know the person had made their heart right with God and was ready to pass to their eternal home comments about that is usually encouraging, however, be sensitive. Sometimes the remaining family members are still working through their stages of anger. They may even be angry at the person for getting sick or dying this too is normal and is something they must work through so many times less is better.
Be careful and considerate on feeling like you have to have a scripture or preach a mini sermon on why you think this happened or life after death. Don’t exploit the tragic situation for you an opportunity to preach. This is about the patient and family and is not an open opportunity for you to show your knowledge of the word.
Stay connected with the survivors. They may not feel like talking or reaching back at this time but if you occasionally make yourself available on down the line they may.
To me, one of the most empty things that were said to me was “Let me know when I can help.” most people think it’s polite to offer, but don’t actually want to be of service. Don’t say that. Give it some thought ahead of time, and be creative by making suggestions for concrete ways to help. “Mind if I walk the dog for the next few weeks while you have your hands full?” Or, Give them a gift card to help with their expenses, or mow their lawn. Look for ways to say, “I remember.” Buy a card put it in the mail. Send an email and share a silly joke. That may be just what they need even if not acknowledged at that time. If you stop in at their home keep the visit short and at the front door they may not be up to talking yet. Don’t share a deep discussion or conversation. They very well may still be trying to accept this new reality. Instead, share memories and chat about the “good old days.” You might want to recount the good times between you and this friend. Or share something that became a life-long joke between you. I remember when Pookie was first diagnosed I went to some friends of his and told them don’t think you have to talk about his cancer. Talk to him about fishing, hunting. Take him to that place of memory you once shared. If you are used to telling him jokes, think ahead of time and come and tell him jokes. Help us feel normal if but just for a moment. Help us forget cancer for just one moment. We welcome it and to us, it is not disrespectful. Keep it as normal as possible.
